The Art of Letting Go: The Quiet Isolation of College Life

 

  In highschool, I had a reputation for being outgoing, approachable, and friendly. I often got invited to parties and events because of my upbeat personality. I wasn't the stereotypical "life of the party", but I was always present, I am a person who could start a conversation with someone and make them feel heard. When I entered college, I always imagined that I would make a lot of friends. To be honest, I wasn't socially and mentally prepared for college life, because of the Pandemic (Covid19). Just like the others, I was also quite excited about the fresh start college offered. Many weeks has passed and I started to build connections with my classmates, schoolmates, and the people in my apartment. The campus was buzzing with pissibilities, and it felt life the friendship we made would last a lifetime. 

  As the first year turned into second, I started to notice something unsettling. The strong bond we had built started to loosen. Our friendship faded away so quickly, from larger groups, formed smaller, more exclusive groups based on their shared apartments and even hometown. Casual friendship gave way to relationship of convenience — group projects and other school related activites. I, who had always valued deeper, began to feel like i no longer fit into anyone's circle.

  I tried to reach out and invited them to hang out, but my invitations went unanswered and turned down, and spontaneous plan became scarce. As the semester progressed, I started to distance myself from them, I spent more time alone or with my other classmates. When there's group activities inside the class, I always make sure that I can't be with them in the same group. When we had our tour in Boracay, they started to notice that I intentionally ignored them until we get back to school. Some of them reached out to me and says they misses me, tells me they love me, and wants me to be back in the circle. 

  It's really frustrating to my part, like why do they only see me when I’m gone? When I’m there, giving it all for good, it feels like I am not appreciated. How does my absence speaks louder thank my presence ever did? I always tried to stand by them, to be there when they needed me, to listen when no one else would. I thought that would mean something. Then I started to think they became complacent, knowing that i'm always being there, assuming that I’d never leave. That's hurts me the most, knowing that I had to leave, had to put space between us for them to finally understand what I meant for them. It makes me wonder if all of the things I did for them ever really mattered or if they just taken granted because I never asked for anything in return.

  When we had the chance to talk, some do not speak out, some are not around. It's a hard realization, understanding that sometimes, no matter how much we want to bridge the gap, the other side might not want to meet us halfway. So instead of confronting them, I decided to let go. I used to think that communication was the key until I realized comprehension is. You can communicate all you want with someone but if they don't understand you, it's silent chaos.

  One day, I woke up and decided to be more indenpendent and appreciate my self more. The days passed and little by little, I accepted what we have now. As I enter in my 3rd year of college, my learning from frienship could evolve and sometimes rebuilding takes time and effort. I started to reach out more intentionally about my problems, have meaningful connections with people and nature. I also started doing things that genuinely interest me, rather thank forcing myself into social settings where I feels out if place.

  What happened had happened, and I understand how badly we wish we could change things. But remember , dwelling on the past can take up so much of our mental space. Maybe we have to release the grip we have in our hearts. We should let ourselves heal from past, step by step. We deserve freedom to embrace the present and the future with a lighter heart. Some things eventually just gets better without any explanation. One day you just realize that you're no longer upset, you're no longer mad or bothered by the things that took so much of your energy and thought. One day you'll find youself in peaceful place, enjoying that feeling.